Sometimes

         Sometimes I wish I could roll back time and make different decisions. Redoing everything that led me up to this point in life. There are somedays that I just need a reset button. Today was strange and honestly I wish I could go back four years and change. 

    Change the decision I helped my husband support. Change how I saw the world in that very miserable moment in life. To simply think beyond myself and think about unintended intentions. Sometimes, I think about not marrying my husband and what life would have been like. I would never change having Taylor, but I do wish he still had his own son in his life. I see it in his eyes when someone asks about him and he simply has nothing to comment on. 

    My husband deserves better and maybe if I wasn't in the picture he would get to see his other kid. Maybe it was me all along? Sometimes, I wish I could see what the alternate future would have been like if I would have walked away. The stress of leaving fostering, having an angry step child, and balancing miscarriage about did me in. His son left and I found out I was pregnant again about three weeks after. Taylor came into this world the same year his son left. He needs both kids in his life. 

    Would there be a way to have both children and not walk away? I have no idea, but it is weighing heavy on me tonight. Today is his son's birthday and he cannot even call him. I blame myself. 

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