Motherhood

     Motherhood is so much more than simple care of a child. It is a persona, life experience, and most of all an on going learning altering event. Each day is filled with moments where I have room to grow and redirect myself. Motherhood is different for everyone who experiences it, and it provides purpose for those who previously lacked it. 

      The constant struggle to be a better parent is real. It's not simply providing for your child that truly matters, but the person who you shape to live without. You spend so much time guiding your young ones to be independent, and this truly takes a toll out. Motherhood is always questioning if you've done the right thing. With my own child I'm always questioning if I'm doing enough to help her learn new words. I spend time each night reading various book to her. I point to pictures and even ask questions that I know she will not answer. I question if I'm reading the "right" type of books to her or if they age appropriate? All the decisions made each day are tiring. 

     Motherhood is finding a way to make ends meet no matter what. Even with insurance, Taylor's medical bills are consuming. They consume 1/5 of my monthly income with various payments to the children's oncologist. I always seem to find a way though. I cut the money from other places to keep the medical bills paid down. No, we do not qualify for government assistance, so it's up to me to find a way. My husband helps but his job isn't really finically accommodating enough to really support the medical bills. Payment plans are what keeps us afloat. 

     Motherhood is missing work to care for your sick child or taking them to appointments. This seems to always fall on my plate to do. Mothers are expected to work full time, be a care giver, and meet society's expectations all at the same time. Saturday events usually consist of me wearing Crocs with sweatpants and a hoodie. I no longer care or have time to dress up. I often miss work and dread the inevitable questions that are asked upon my return. My grade block team is amazing and just ask questions to check in on me and Taylor. Yes, I'm going to miss work if Taylor is ill. Taylor comes first in all aspects of life. She will forever be the most important person in my life. 

    Motherhood is basically forgetting "self-care." Lack of sleep and endless nights of caregiving really gets to moms. We do not have time to make the extra effort to look nice or take time out for ourselves. Be extra thankful if you have family who helps out. My mom helps when she can, but it's still overwhelming at times. Getting to take an uninterrupted shower just isn't enough. Stress has made my hair fall out, so doing anything extra with it is out of the question. I have about a thirty minute window each night to just do something for me. I've been spending that time reading or quietly listening to an audio book. 

     Motherhood is the monotonous tasks of cleaning and tidying the house. This is a never ending battle along with farm chores. I spend several hours each day doing random chores just to keep up. I love being a mom do not get me wrong. I hate picking up the same toys over and over again. 

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